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George Washington
OG, CWP Think of me when you pull out}} George Washington was a southern douche from Ohio, Kentucky who was in love with the whole idea of slavery and even had a whole bunch of black kids in his family. History George "Bon Jovi" Washingotn was born sometime in the 1700's (or something) and was brought up by his sister, who was technically a whore and was gone every night getting money to pay the bills that came with living in a house, and she would always get mad at Bon Jovi for leaving the television on and then going to bed, which she always discovered would be on when she wasn't reading an email. Also, Bon Jovi ate like a pig. He would eat five pieces of pizza in a Guinness book record of 4 seconds. Who could eat five pieces of pizza in four seconds? George Washington could. He did it when he had a bib on. Music career Through some point in his life, George Washington expressed interest in being a rap artist, saying that he felt "guilt" for his sister having sex with people just so she could pay off the house. So he released a few rap albums (Bob the Builder, Spongebob Rulez, and Go Diego! Go) but none of them got him any success because people realized after buying his first album that he sucked at singing and he looked like a woman. Interest in presidency Soon, he became interested in being president, so he gunned down the president before him and was president until he died in 1799. Thankfully he died. Only two people went to his funeral, including the preacher and the casket carrier. How he died At 6:35 AM in the morning, they found Washington lying on the floor, coughing up monkey blood. Asking why, he responded, "I....ate....t-t-t-t-t-t-the....mon...key...." And then they said, "What did you just say?" and then he said, "I-I-I-I-I-I.........a-a-a-a-a-a......" and then he died. Later studying discovered that he had swallowed an entire monkey whole and had drank a whole lotta beer after it, and he died from that. It was later discovered, too, that his life-long dream was to swallow a monkey whole. So yeah.... The bad (about him) *He bombed Pearl Harbor in 1940. Even though he had been dead for over 100 years by then. He still did it! *He slit five people's throats and then framed someone else *He ate a donut with coffee (WHAT THE FRIG!?!?@?!k@) *He invented beer (maybe we should move this to the good section) *He ate babies!!?! *He sold 2,340 acres to Russia (and now they own half the world) *He married a bug that he named Todd (so does that make him....gay?) *He cut down that cherry tree, but it wasn't with an "axe". It was with a bloody chainsaw. When his mother asked him where he got that chainsaw and why it was bloody, he couldn't hear her because it was killing her. *He lied about being able to catch a bullet *He slept with 45 different women in seven days. *He starred in the Pineapple Express. *He didn't believe in Santa Claus. Then again, who does? *He ate chickens raw *He wore a wig. They called him Wiggster. The good (about him) *.... He was a founding father? Quotes For some reason, the majority of these quotes sound like someone who would post them on Twitter.... *"One who achieves instead of succeeds may be made fun of due to the fact that they eat cereal for breakfast." *"My cat ate some liver last night. She didn't like it." *"Ah f**k! I forgot to feed my cat! She died last night!" *"I went to New York City last weekend. Magnificent! But one of my babies fell off the stairrail and hit some old guy in the head. There was blood everywhere. Oh well." *"I love Japanese music!" *"I eat chicken!" *"Marshmellows are for losers." See also *Obama *JohnJohn *George Bush Category:History Category:Politics